Field Notes 20260411 - Saturday
What belief am I holding in place of a knowing?
Some weeks it takes a few sessions to come to a conclusion that asking for help to get unstuck is totally fine and probably the right call to begin with. Such an ask can come in the form of an open-ended question or a direct appeal to guides. Typically I’ll proceed with the former before resorting to the latter.
Making an open-ended question the center of a meditation session, the intent, is nothing new. It took me an embarrassingly long time to utilize this strategy. Even as I was making my way through The Gateway Program and practicing “Problem Solving” it still didn’t click in my mind that, “Yes, you can do this literally any time you need to.”
I think the origin of my apprehension is the lack of immediacy with answers. They seldom come during the actual meditation and often surface during waking life, dreams, altered states, etc. Once I began to utilize this technique much more I noticed that my answers tended to show up in altered states right after a session. A lot of people view this as nearly, or completely, a direct line of communication with your guides. I’m not so sure, but nonetheless it works incredibly well… when it does.
The query and the answer that I received are up ahead.
Afternoon
- Sun: Aries 21°
- Moon: Aquarius 12° | Waning Crescent
Meditation
- 40 Minutes.
- The Gateway Experience, Journeys Out Of The Body - Condition D.
Today I finally laid down for a proper session this week. I selected “Condition D” as the track of choice to run the “focused point exercise” again, simply continuing to get used to it and test efficacy. Prior to jumping into the “mental workout” I expanded into F12 (expanded awareness) and cast the following question to all parts of my consciousness (and in all ways), “What belief am I holding in place of a knowing?”
No answer during the session, not a surprise as noted earlier. After the session itself I set my usual and strong intent for an altered state experience and once again nothing happened. This has been a frustrating experience over the last few weeks. A dream will spin up, I become lucid, then it dissolves without the usual exit routine. That’s not typical for me. Most of the time I just end up falling asleep until Kim comes in and wakes me up.
An aside: A part of me has begun to view this situation as, “One door opens as another door closes.” What I mean by this is that perhaps the focus on projection from meditation by way of “focused point exercise” has been dominating my subconscious mechanisms in place of my usual process of strong intention and “threshold seeking” method. Speaking of the threshold seeking process, I’m realizing just how much energy this requires because lately just getting close to feeling the threshold is enough to send me to slumberland. I haven’t had a proper lucid dream in a month or longer, in-between states are nearly gone as well as Liminal encounters. It’s also entirely possible that I’m being overly dramatic about a totally natural rut that I’ve found myself in, again, because these things happen.
The meditation session itself was a success by all metrics other than achieving separation.
I was able to successfully move and hold the point of focus 1 foot away from my forehead, then 3 feet, then finally 6 feet. When I “swing” the point around from being in front of me to being behind/at the top of my head (also 6 feet away) the vibrations are activated reliably. They are mild or medium in intensity and localized to my head. I’m also able to gently pull them in and intensify, or sit with them and become more at one with the sensation, thereby intensifying them.
When it comes to actually moving to separate, that’s where hesitancy and thinking come in to sour the party. I do understand that the best course of action is inaction, to simply be present and in the moment with the sensation, but it also appears that lately I’ve caught the impatience bug. If I’m not careful I’ll end up abandoning what I’m doing and begin testing exit techniques one after another.
The simple answer here is: well, then stop doing that! While, once again, I understand this I don’t think that’s the solution. I believe the reactiveness that I’m experiencing is a symptom of something not quite working right. Last year I made it my mission to only follow what feels and is natural for me when it comes to consciousness exploration and altered states.
Why fight my nature? Based on that I arrived at using lucid dreams, something that I’ve always been able to do very easily, as my gateway for projection. For several months that has been my most reliable method and it helped me expand my natural ability to focus on threshold states (the in-between waking and altered). The key to this process is strong intent setting, however lately that has also stopped producing results.
Moving Forward
I’ve been here before. The irony is that I forget how I solve these periods of confusion, lackluster results, and inaction every single time they present themselves to me. Something else to note: while it’s not fun going through a sudden break in consistency, the work that results from solving all of this is also the catalyst for strong growth and evolution of my total being and practice. This is the kind of mindset that is both essential and difficult at the same time.
Some things I’ve noticed that I’ve been slipping on and need to revisit:
- Reality checks - I simply fell out of the habit of doing these all the time due to stress and whatever else has been going on. I’ll be recommitting to doing these little tests specifically at transitions: when I wake up, before I go to sleep, before meditation, after meditation, before altered states, after altered states, etc.
- Lucid dreams - I haven’t been pursuing these as often as I used to and I think that’s a mistake. Time to let go of setting my intent for projection-only and refocus on instructing the subconscious to spin up these lucid dreams instead. It doesn’t matter if the focus is on just the lucid dream or using it as “staging” before projecting, that window is always available once in this altered state.
- Guides - While it seems that I’m perpetually questioning the “realness” of guides I think it’s time to appeal to them and ask for assistance. Heck, I haven’t even asked my higher-self for assistance. I should do that.
- Let go - I need to recommit to settling in meditation sessions and practicing being “in the now”, dissolve into what’s going on, simply be awareness that I know I am. Stress and issues tend to pull us back to the ego and mind-identification.
It is also important to document these struggles. I often think of the practitioners that have inspired me but never wonder how they themselves deal with all of this. Surely this stuff happens to them as well, but how often do we read about that? It’s mostly success stories after success stories, the real work from which understanding and solutions that others can employ arise precisely during moments like this.
The Answer
The answer arrived where answers usually do — not during the session, but after it, assembled from the pieces the session left behind. A belief held in place of a knowing is rarely held out of ignorance; it’s held because it works well enough to defer the harder look.
The focused point technique works. The vibrations activate. The mechanics execute cleanly. And none of that produces separation, because separation was never a mechanical problem to begin with. It is a surrender event — the same handoff made every night trusting sleep to flip the switch, the same architecture encoded in the lucid dream gateway that has always been my most natural entry.
Somewhere along the way the mind showed up to supervise the crossing, which is precisely what stops it. The threshold doesn’t open to assessment; it opens to release. Do what is natural.
The creed was never wrong — it was briefly set aside for someone else’s solution to someone else’s riddle, quietly, usefully, until subconscious asked for the full accounting. Now it has it.