Field Notes 20260413-20260419 - Retrospective
Performer of This Cosmic Opera
Afternoon
- Sun: Aries 29°
- Moon: Gemini 1° | Waxing Crescent
Meditation
- 40 Minutes.
- Expand app, timer section, F21.
Sunday afternoon meditation and subsequent lack of immersive altered states was a perfect summation of this past week. I woke up this morning in an “off” mood, much like most of the week. The session in general was technically sound like it’s been all week but lacked in substance, like it has all week.
Ever since the week of our youngest boy staying a few days at Children’s Hospital, my sleep schedule and habits have been very off. I expected this for a week, maybe two, but we’re now going well beyond that. The event itself isn’t the cause or the blame, not all of it at least.
Since this disruption, my own sleeping habits have been much to blame for this rut. I’m getting to bed later because I’m attempting to do more beforehand in the same short period of time. My 4 AM alarm doesn’t care when I go to bed, but the body has been demanding more time upon waking up. Subsequent morning runs and weight lifting have taken a hit in performance because of this.
Cascade of effects: When sleep quality takes a hit, physical activity weakens, meditation efficacy diminishes, altered state exploration evaporates, creative engine sputters.
I’ve got to fix this.
Most of my life I’ve been an artist, illustrator, designer, writer, general creative without a cause or a subject. Exploring non-physical and non-local, liminal and subtle spaces, the inner domains, the underlying structures that hold reality in a delicate and precarious balance has been not just a simple boon to my creative identity but a purpose found through introspection and repair.
Historically, when I find a rhythm, a direction, a calling, I jump “whole-ass” into it and assume “creative powerhouse” position. I’m a deep sea diver. It’s not really that surprising for me to feel “down and out” when access and processes around those subjects and domains falter. Given enough time, the cause blends with the effect, a recursive loop of ever diminishing results and frustration.
There’s another layer to this aside from inspirational and operational. When strong feelings and emotions arise out of situations like this, I’m reminded that I’ve assumed a temporary set of clothes as my identity. Not temporary because I’m just doing it for a few months or years, but rather because this physical life is temporary.
So instead of letting the muse flow through me I demand access. Instead of loosely holding on to new knowledge I grip it tight like it’s some kind of rare, never before seen jewel. The fact of the matter is that it’s all just here and now, I can’t take it anywhere else with me, it doesn’t define the I am. The physical person that was here before he set out on this path is still here, different but also the same.
While the garments that we present to the world change and evolve, the being, the awareness behind them does not. To think that something does change is a self-imposed illusion, a trap of the ego, a game of the mind. Long or even short lasting ruts like this expose this truth because just as easily as I got into all of this I can pull myself out of it.
So what does it matter if something else or myself halts my own progress? Does that fundamentally change anything behind the artist, illustrator, writer, designer, developer, father, husband, athlete, other labels I’m choosing to omit or have forgotten? No.
What’s left when you strip away the clothes, the physical body, the labels? What has thoughts and observes them can’t be the thoughts themselves. Then what is that? What is left when nothing else matters anymore?
Awareness.
Awareness has no identity.
Awareness doesn’t exist in the past.
Awareness doesn’t exist in the future.
Awareness only exists in the present moment.
To catch a glimpse of awareness you must look at the present, be fully in “the here and now.” The physical body, the mind, the ego as the totality and myriad of labels which describes it is an instrument through which experience is manifested and observed.
Somewhere in the last few weeks I’ve lost sight of this truth and let myself become consumed as a performer of this Cosmic Opera.
Now that I’ve once again shone the light of consciousness on the imposter, what will I do?
Through The Week of 20260413-20260419
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260418-saturday
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260417-friday
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260416-thursday
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260415-wednesday
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260414-tuesday
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/field-notes-20260413-monday