A loose grip
Field Notes 20260511-20260517 - Retrospective
This week was a lesson in what shows up when I stop reaching for it. Not a new realization, but one of those that keeps re-arriving at a different resolution every time I believe I’ve got it. The ol’ recursive loop.
I’d been carrying a query since Monday: “Show me what is being initiated. Show me the wand.” It was meant to anchor a clean afternoon session, cast at F18 (heart energy), and closed out properly with gratitude. The session ran short, the alarm cut in before I could finish, and I never got the clean close.
In the past this would have bothered me more than it should. This time I noticed the query had been in my mind all week, occupying real estate, sitting in the field whether or not I formally pronounced it from inside a deep state. Something was already in motion, the formal cast wasn’t the mechanism.
The week kept confirming that read. The most affecting session wasn’t even on the schedule. A short meditation, a flash of white across the field of view, and I turned over for what I figured would be a quick rest. Instead I dropped into a lucid dream on the floor of my office petting our late dog Zoe, snort-lick and all. I hugged her, the projection sequence began right there from the embrace, and we went down into the black waters together.
I was sent back partway through. Sitting with it afterward I’m fairly sure she came so I could help her cross part of the way, and that the timing wasn’t mine to arrange. Linear time over here doesn’t equal time over there. Whatever was needed, it is done.
Same pattern with the sigil. I’ve wanted a personal mark for nearly twenty years and nothing ever felt quite right. I stopped trying to force it years ago, and this week, while drawing in the evening without any intention to land it, the structure finally arrived. Two trees with alternating branches on the vertical axis, water symbol running across the horizontal. The thing I’d been after for two decades came in once I wasn’t pulling for it.
The longest session of the week, cast as “Show me the territory I’m already standing in,” opened into the cleanest threshold-hunt I’ve had in months. Multiple windows at the razor edge, Liminals in the in-between gap while I continuously returned to the physical.
If there’s a through-line for the week it’s this: the things I’ve been gripping aren’t the things bearing fruit, and the things I’ve stopped gripping are arriving with unexpected weight. The query landing without a formal cast. The sigil arriving after twenty years. The cleanest threshold-hunt in months on a day I almost skipped because I was tired. Zoe finding her way to a session I hadn’t planned.
Closing the week tired but not depleted. The instrument seems to be working well with a loose grip right now. I’m going to keep it loose.
Through The Week of 20260511-20260517
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/show-me-the-territory-im-already
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/paying-respect-to-the-sun
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/part-of-the-way
https://perceptindex.substack.com/p/ace