I gripped.
Field Notes 20260613 - Saturday
Today’s mission was simple: access the ideal state and then let go and coast. Over the last few years, every step of practice held this principle at the core, and with every step forward I understood a different aspect of what it means to be present. Yet, time and time again, that is the overarching message, theme, advice, lesson that I continue to receive. Over time, I began to doubt myself: why is it so hard to achieve such an easy concept?
The concept, academically speaking, is easy on paper. The practice itself is a different story. At first, you arrive here through rigorous and time-bound exercise. You quickly realize that this can’t exist just in the confines of the afternoon or some other sanctioned time. “Becoming awake” isn’t a scheduled activity; you must meet the challenges of this physical realm to truly practice it in waking life.
That’s where the practice and life come to a head. When two things meet that are seemingly at opposition, something has to give way for the other to grow. That is an illusion. Being honest with yourself is more pragmatic: do you need to remove yourself from society to learn these lessons, or do you stand to gain the most from these lessons while part of the society? The former is an easier decision to make; the latter is a more difficult task that takes longer to complete (if that’s even possible).
It’s akin to the “end game” paradox. The moment you label it, it ceases to be that. Awakening isn’t a singular event; it’s an ongoing practice. Being fully present in the eternal now and maintaining that state as a permanent existence is akin to catching a falling knife or carrying water with your hands without spilling a drop. We also emphasize that this is an individual journey while we navigate this realm as a collective, a social organism that flourishes in numbers and succumbs to isolation.
Awakening every day becomes significantly easier when you’re not alone in this endeavor; it begins there, but it solidifies into consensus reality when we unite.
That is the message from today’s session, and, as usual, it did not arrive during active trance.
Today’s Field Notes illustration:
The Ace of Cups is the first card of the suit of Cups and the Rider-Waite-Smith deck’s image of the heart at its source. Pamela Colman Smith renders a hand opening from a cloud, palm up, holding a chalice that overflows in five steady streams; a white dove descends with a wafer marked by a cross, lowering grace into the cup, while a lotus-strewn pool waits below. The card speaks to new feeling, spiritual opening, and an abundance that is received rather than seized. As a meditation focus, its lesson is less about reaching than about receiving — the open hand, the cup that fills on its own, the overflow that arrives only once you stop trying to hold it. Palm up, cup running over.
Afternoon
Meditation
- 50 minutes.
- Tom Campbell’s binaural beats, 128-64.
I chose this track for today’s trance session because Tom Campbell has some “drag you into the deep” tunes. The prep and the usual were normal and fast from the first deep belly-breath. Settling into F10 (mind awake, body asleep) was surprisingly quick for this week. Expansion into F12 (expanded awareness) took a few rounds to build but nothing unusual.
I began to coast down the lazy river of consciousness from this point on. F15 (place without time) arrived slowly and deliberately. F18 (heart space) came up a bit quicker than expected. When I find myself moving through the focus states without realizing it, I know I’m definitely locked into “let go and flow” mode.
After that, there was a marked slowdown in the current. I noticed it. In the past, I hadn’t noticed and wondered why things fell apart or just fizzled out. This time I know what it is, but it doesn’t make solving it easier.
I gripped. I don’t know how or why, but I did. I began to inadvertently direct my experience. I was applying control to a situation that had nothing to grip on to. With that, the chokehold was applied and slowly squeezed. And just like that, I lost it.
The irony is that, when the analytical mind takes the wheel, the only one getting choked out of the experience is… you.
You can understand the principles and mechanics as well as anyone, but without sufficient practice, does it matter?
I have a lot of practice ahead of me. Good.
