Almost Home.
Field Notes of Nobody’s Ghost - 20261016-S9
Plenty of people can read the sky and can’t read the now. He left the tower headfirst to learn the second one, and found the dark easier to see in than he’d been told.
There is one event I’ve kept out of the record for a year, and I kept it out because of a word. The word is Christ. It splits a room faster than greys do, and where I live it lands on a reflex before it lands on a mind. I’ve stopped caring who flinches; everyone who knows me knows what I explore. The following account is my own experience, and it surprised me as much as the kundalini awakening did.
It was a Friday last year, one of the ones I work. I was warming up for the day with a morning run, about to round the corner onto my street on the way back in. I was thinking about pulling the boys out of church. They’d been going with family, and the lessons they were receiving there were the inversion I’d spent that year consciously clearing, not to mention a lifetime of questions leading up to it.
I couldn’t square the two. I can’t stand liars. I wasn’t going to be one, least of all to my own kids.
I’d also been contemplating Christ consciousness for weeks, as an idea, the way I chew on things while running. Anahata was already active; I noticed it the way you notice weather, and believe me, it wasn’t asthma. That turned out to matter.
Then, almost home, with no technique and nothing in mind, I thought: okay, I want to learn, I am learning, I am in the present moment, be my light on the now, I accept Christ consciousness in my heart.
What came back emanated from the chest: joy, love, oneness, and I had used those words for years without knowing they were names for a very specific kind of feeling. That was the moment I knew what they were for, and I felt free. I felt a lump in my throat, the kind you get when you’re about to cry and holding it back. Globus pharyngeus isn’t ideal mid-run. Nevertheless, there it was, same as on the run I had after my youngest boy was born.
It’s a core memory and a turning point on this path, whatever this path ultimately may be. I’m on it and I’m seeing it through.
I can see the order now; I didn’t even try to then. For weeks I’d been reading the sky, Christ consciousness as an idea to turn over on a run, yet I couldn’t read the now, which was already warm in my chest. Thomas has it exactly: they can read the face of the sky and the earth and miss the one standing right in front of them. Then a division closed: I decided I wouldn’t lie, to myself or to the boys, about where I stood. Then a sentence that asked for nothing, followed by the heart.
When two make peace in one house, the mountain moves. Nothing was sought. The split closed and the signal was perceived.
The infamous sentence itself is the one the church hands out, “Accept him into your heart,” with the inversion taken out. I said it to the state instead of to a person, an ego, and the state replied in kind. Always keep what performs, drop the rest and keep moving forward. I didn’t know I was doing that. I also didn’t know I’d just run the posture every trance cast of mine has taken since, named only this month: receive, want the what carefully, and don’t schedule or predict the how.
It’s the same conclusion to the chakras. I wrote them off out loud until they turned colors on me from the crown down. I struggled with Christ as a religious figure until I cleared the inversions off him and found him standing at the center of the whole subject, not as an icon to worship but a teacher to learn from.
For so long I’ve been asking how you seek all of this. The answer was written all over my own publication. If that is your what, feel it and you’re already there.
I was almost home when I found out it had been with me all along.